I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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