just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
