Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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