how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
