I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
