I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
