i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
