seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
