Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
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Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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