I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
