we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
