Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
