chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
then he tried to convert me to islam
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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