im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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