I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
