Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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