I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we're making bets on your personal life
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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