maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize