i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I supernannyed him into submission
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
