Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
