I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
