He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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