No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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