She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
