She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
