im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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