tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
