I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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