While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
