I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
