It was confusing and full of hummus
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
