It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
