Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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