he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm too high and old for this...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
