Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
