I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
