my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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