if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
if i died would you start the facebook group?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
