I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
