did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
one two three fourrrrnication!
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
