The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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