Life is so much better after having sex.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
