Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
