True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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