Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
