I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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