Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
