I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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