I can text with my tongue
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
