The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
