Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
