I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
