How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
