In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize