I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
