my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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