The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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