So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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