You made me cry and you don't even care
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
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Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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