Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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