I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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