Princesses don't give blow jobs
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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