So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
